Contents

Thu Jul 11 2002

First full day unemployed.

Applied for unemployment online.
Updated two online resumes.
Applied for five jobs online.
Did web research on several junk emails from well-meaning friends.

Fri Jul 12 2002

Before this happened my self-esteem was at an all-time low and my weight at an all-time high. Money was really tight because of the frequent furloughs. That's a worry too.
In a week I'll have a plan of attack. I am not allowing helplessness to ripple over me, not yet.

I'm reading a Dilbert book to help me keep my competitive edge.

Sat Jul 13 2002

Yesterday I polished my resume and updated it in two online search pages, applied online for several jobs, did some house, went grocery shopping then hung out with a friend for a while.

This weekend I'm taking an NLP course. It is an amazing coincidence that before I was laid off this *free* course in creating win-win situations manifested itself for me, and that it was held the weekend after I was laid off. "Coincidence" means "happening together".

Last time I was laid off I went back to school and got my degree. I will somehow find similar opportunities in this layoff. I'm just not quite sure how yet.

Tue Jul 16 2002

In case you missed my first UC Journals, Cooty Electronics eliminated most of my department last week in a corporate restructuring. 9 folks including myself were let go. Money is going to be tight but I'll survive, I always do. I applied on-line for unemployment plus retraining plus the PA Career Link, health insurance runs till the end of the month and I am waiting for the application for COBRA insurance. Updated my resume on monster.com and downloaded it into Word so that I have something to email to prospective employers.

I miss my former co-workers. I emailed my mentor and personal laser transceiver god this morning to see what the aftermath of the bloodbath...errrr restructuring was. No reply from my former boss yet... he said he would provide me with a letter of recommendation. Now that he has no employees, he may have gotten the axe too.

Tue Jul 23 2002

I've been slacking off the last few days. No philosophizing here, just plain old stream-of-consciousness. Welcome to my world.

Tue Jul 23 2002 LATER

Follow up:

HR returned my call. They have her locked out of the payroll system so she couldn't check it (I believe her: no employees, who needs HR?) She left a message to call Comedy Central... errrr, The HR Connecting Point. Tomorrow.

Fri Jul 26 2002

I can't sleep. I think it's time for another med tweak, but the last one hasn't quite leveled me out yet.

The workshop is over. I have two books of materials that contain the same information as the manuals from two other workshops. They contain self-assessment tools and search strategies that are already in my arsenal.

What I got out of it is this:
The guy berated me for going to work for Cooty in the first place.
He cut me off every time I tried to comment or ask a question.
He told me to become a teacher instead.

You know, if I hadn't gone in to it with an open mind, his bullshit wouldn't have affected me.

I was feeling suicidal earlier. No plan, but pain and hopelessness and the feeling I was on the verge of falling into the abyss.

ET NOX FACTA EST

Depuis quatre mille ans il tombait dans l'abîme.

Il n'avait pas encor pu saisir une cime,
Ni lever une fois son front démesuré.
Il s'enfonçait dans l'ombre et la brume, effaré,
Seul, et derrière lui, dans les nuits éternelles,
Tombaient plus lentement les plumes de ses ailes.

Victor Hugo
La Fin De Satan

I haven't been able to get a hold of most of my contacts. And the one I did get a hold of is having computer problems. Today must be a day to try harder. I'll go through the manuals diligently, follow the plan.

First, though, I've been procrastinating... I have to get my driver's license photo taken, the documents I'm carrying are all expired even though my license itself has been renewed. I didn't pay a speeding ticket, didn't pay on the warning, and now there's a warrant out on me for contempt of court. Yes, must do that today or I will lose my mind completely.

I found that I didn't actually mail in the medical receipts for reimbursement. Wonder what else I missed. I still have more to send to my new insurance company. I can't do 2001 taxes until I know whether the old company will reimburse me at this late date.

Oh, crap, almost 3AM. Where does the time go?

I couldn't sleep.

Sat Jul 27 2002

Yup, yup, rapid-cycling again for sure.

Each time I come up I try to pick away at what needs to be done.

Friday: drove to NJ and paid off a speeding ticket so the warrant will be cancelled. Bought a chair that will be easier on my back, bought a new printer but haven't installed it, bought some closeout software for ripping CD tracks.

Still dysphoric. Taking everything anyone says personally - for instance, a friend was ranting about a tech person at work and since I occasionally exhibit the trait it sounded like a covert slash at me.

It doesn't matter that logically I know better. I can still feel it. Needless to say, she is irritated at me for making a big deal out of nothing. But it was very important to me.

Fri Aug 9 2002

I've been coming back and staring at the empty email over and over for the last several hours trying to pull my thoughts together to write. It's like pulling matching socks out of a spinning dryer.

Well, got to start by pulling out the first sock, right?

First off, my pdoc is aware and I have a therapist appt tonight. Don't get weird on me, the cops in this little town beat bipolars senseless to make them manageable before hauling them off to the county snake pit. I have witnessed it.

Still rapid-cycling. I go from energetic and optimistic to energetic and hopeless. The net result is that only a couple days a week can I put a serious effort into anything I can't lose my ego in, and that includes the job search.

Thu Aug 29 2002

Give me an ounce of civet, good apothecary, to sweeten my imagination.
--Shakespeare, King Lear

I'm still out of work, since July 11th. Somehow rapid-cycling sneaked up on me, and lowering my AD only added SSRI withdrawal to the list. You know, anxiety, paranoia and that tingling across the backs of the hands. Raising the AD and adding another anticonvulsant hasn't done it - despite the checklist on the wall I still keep forgetting to take my meds. I may add anti-psychotics to the mixture next. A few days in la-la land might do it.

I'm doing all the right things, posted resumes, continually tweak them, apply on-line for suitable jobs. So far no nibbles. It's just as well. I can't talk, the words get all screwed up. It's so hard to get them just right, and I'm having a lot of trouble remembering the names of everyday objects. Writing isn't so bad for some reason.

I've been doing volunteer work, a web page with a local environmental group and working on a neighborhood block party. The web page turned into a consulting job, and I could use the money. Though these things were originally intended to be ego-boosters, they are also a source of stress.

The lack of self-esteem is the part that shows the most to potential employers, so no matter what else is going on with the bipolar, it's way important to really appreciate myself. The bipolar is a hindrance in some ways - emotions are flickering and overwhelming, depression makes it feel like I'm walking through deep mud, hypomania starts as a burst of energy and enthusiasm but quickly deteriorates into chaos and broken relationships.

Broken toys, broken world.

Everyone I talk to, I hurt their feelings. I'm not trying to, but everyone feels far far away. I tried being neutral and to choose my words carefully, but THEN I come across as being cold and distant. I've been crying in frustration an awful lot. Crying over dead issues and dead friends. Crying because there's a part of me that is willing to let go if that's what it takes to end this uncertainty.

My husband told me that I'm going to be like this for three months - I'm *always* like this for three months any time I change my meds. He was adamant that I shouldn't do anything to speed up the process. A few days of anti-psychotics? No. But that's what they'd do in hospital. They only do that so that they can get you out in a hurry for managed care.

I do NOT need him planting pessimistic seeds in my brain. No. And I told him later. Is it possible that he *likes* it when I'm useless?

I've been training as a Reiki Master because it requires that I find the stillness within myself and maintain it for the length of an attunement or a treatment. I'm learning Qigong and when I get that down I'll go on to T'ai Chi. I like to lose myself in my web work. I learned recently that "meditation" and "hard work" are the same word in Japanese. My Sensei was baffled until I realized that both imply losing yourself in the task, being in the moment. Find something that you can lose yourself in, lose your ego and that bag of shit we all carry, even if it's only for a few minutes. That's the key, to get out of my seething mind and into constructive activities whenever possible.

Ok, going to knock back my meds with a big cup of guarana chai, then do the consulting work. I have to meet a milestone tomorrow whether I put in the agreed-to number of hours or not. I'll carry the hours over to some other info I want them to put up on the site, like some environmental papers by the Director.

Then I go for a massage and a reiki share. I'll be okay, it's just taking longer than I want it to.

Sat Oct 19 2002

Things are getting better. The rapid cycling continues, but its severity is lessening. I've felt good upon awakening, ready to get out there and win. But there are still some days that seem the same as every other day, days where I'm bored out of my gourd but can't seem to *do* anything about it.

So what have I been doing on all of these identically dreary days? Hiding from my fears by busying myself with chickenshit, of course.
Turning volunteer work into a short consulting job. That has gone well. I'm writing up recommendations for them now, and that will be it.
Working on the neighborhood block party committee - the party was a great success, but I sneaked out in the middle of it to take a 2-hour nap and missed the baking contest.
Teaching Miss Chilipepper to let me brush her fangs. I've built it into the middle of her brushings so that she doesn't fight or walk away.
Learning another form of reiki - Usui Reiki Ryoho - in addition to the traditional western Usui Shiki Ryoho that I already know. Let me remark, however, that "knowing" in this context means having the training to start on the path.
Co-facilitating the September reiki shares.
Struggling unsuccessfully with insurance companies and unemployment and mail order prescriptions. Why is red-tape so disheartening to me?
What I haven't been doing is applying myself 100% - 40 hour weeks - to the job search, and that is a serious lapse with the holidays coming soon.

Keeping in touch with my pdoc about the rapid cycling - I have the meds right, it's just a matter of waiting it out. I'm much better but I'm still being cautious.

Last month my husband freaked on me and told me I'm being unrealistic - he said it always takes me three months to recover from an episode. He isn't consciously trying to plant the seeds of failure, he's working with old assumptions. But its hard, when I respect someone's opinions, to *fight* against their expectations.

Self-esteem is a big topic because so many other issues feed into it, and vice-versa. I've been working on it in therapy, so here's a few already out in the open to mull over:
I'm morbidly obese and putting on more all the time.
I eat too fast, chug down juice or soda. Water is hard to keep down: why is this? I don't own any good interview clothes, due in part to my reluctance to buy new "fat clothes".
I let others' opinions rule my actions.
I'm out of work in an abysmal job market. I have the irrational conviction that I don't deserve a great job.
I have trouble with memory and concentration - how is *that* going to fly on an interview? How can I claim to have 25 years of experience if I can't remember the details... oh, hell, I'll study the night before the interview, just like before a big test in school.

Meds have changed in the last few years, and so have my expectations for myself. I no longer have to be "perfect". This has greatly reduced, but not altogether eliminated, the sometimes crippling fear of screwing up. Is it possible that a small amount of anxiety improves the quality of my work?

Even normal folks make major screwups, even normal folks have off days. I don't have to hide if I'm not feeling my best; in fact, functioning at whatever level I'm at is just fine so long as I let important decisions wait until I'm operating at a higher level. It's better if people have seen me at my worst instead of leaving the extent of my disorder as a big, scary unknown. It's better to chip away at research, drawings and other low-priority, low-stress tasks than to stay home and get nothing done at all.

Somehow I'm not entirely convinced.

However, I really don't have time to waste. Every week I'm out of work will make it that much harder to adjust when I go back.

My therapist said that I'm eating for comfort. I'm not sure what that means, but I do know that I'm carrying around 262 pounds as of this morning on a 5'3" frame. So let's free-associate on this one.

I wake up in the morning and don't feel quite right until I get coffee and breakfast. Normally I don't think about food again until that "not quite right" feeling returns. So what is this feeling? It has the same fuzzy-headed feeling as hunger for food, but maybe there's an edge to it? Very good, I've defined an addiction. It *is* kind of the same feeling as needing a cigarette, isn't it? Or is it? I have to be careful about letting others redefine me.

Some days, like most days this week, no amount of coffee will keep me awake. Get up, scarf down as much coffee as I can stand - I mean until it gives me the shakes - read email... and as I sit there I'm starting to dream before I quite fall asleep. I must start taking notes about the content instead of worrying about the falling asleep itself. It's awful that caffeine is having this paradoxical effect on me. I actually was considering taking my ritalin to help me stay focused.
I have sleep apnea, and though I use a CPAP machine at night, both the bipolar disorder and the ativan rob me of restorative delta sleep. Maybe it's fatigue that I mistake for hunger.
Eating for comfort. For relief from anxiety? A worthwhile experiment would be to take an ativan when I feel "not quite right" and see whether it stops the hunger or helps me stay awake. Oh, I would have to combine that with *not* taking ativan so that I get delta sleep. It's short-acting, so maybe no ativan after, say 3pm.

My sister berated me when I visited last week, and her big answer is to put up a big bulletin board in the kitchen and keep a food log on it. To her credit she didn't suggest one of those elephant fridge magnets.

I've been keeping a fruit bowl in the fridge so that there is something quick and non-fat to grab when I'm hungry.

But I think a better long-term solution is to work on thyroid support. First T3 and T4 tests along with the TSH test. Thyroid meds tend to shut down the thyroid as the body tries to normalize the hormone levels. So instead I think I'll work up an herbal support regimen and run it past my pdoc.

That and start taking vitamins again. Damn, I hate taking pills.

??? Dec 20 2002

Well, that was it: my last unemployment check.

I'm unsure where to go with it now. Take a lesser job, an action which will affect my pay scale for the rest of my life.

Xmas - I'm telling everyone I don't want anything but they're still asking what to get me. And I'm hearing a lot of "You don't have to get me anything but here's a list..." Did I mention that I'm not a Xtian?

Not that it's about the baby Jesus anymore. Try not to think about it: red suit and beard; reindeer hooves/cloven hooves; antlers/horns. Santa/Satan.

Enough of that.

I'm at the dentist this morning getting a crown I can't afford.

Mon Feb 24 2003

It's been a long winter.

The end of January is always the worst time of year for me, but I hung in there and finally I'm having some good days again. And what does that mean? Well..

• I'm staying awake during the day most days.
• I haven't been too exhausted to move in several days.
• I'm able to keep the living room tidy. Although I haven't been doing well at keeping the kitchen clean, I *have* been able to keep ahead of the mess.
• I'm cooking more so I'm eating better.
• I'm showering most days and I'm keeping up with the laundry.
• The pleasant emotions are coming back.

Friday was a good day - I drove all over the county completing a bunch of small tasks that had become Swords of Damocles.

One of the tasks was sorting through four garbage bags full of upscale clothes that found their way to me. Some for me, some for the consignment shop and some to donate.

Tue, 04 Mar 2003

I can't sleep. I woke up earlier as if from a nightmare - but the nightmare is real life. Damn, it's this crystal clarity, every detail of my life is in focus. I'm not meant for this crisp awareness of what is wrong with me, and with my life.

I took a couple mg of ativan to help me get a grip, and then I suppose I'll make a list of my bills, prioritize them, then not pay any. No, that won't help.

What I should do is get my tax info ready. I haven't a clue what to do about the tax credit for the car, nor how to deduct everything I spent maintaining a volunteer web page.

There's the book I want to write, too. I want to reread the TI-89 manual both to practice using the calculator because it generates nice graphs that can be uploaded and included in documents.

But right now I'm spinning my wheels because I don't know where to start.

It could be a side effect of the Strattera, but usually that takes a few days to happen. I think? I've never taken an SNRI before.

Wed, 05 Mar 2003

Again I can't sleep. I woke up a few minutes ago at what seemed to be 6 AM. My husband informed me it was really only 2:30 AM. I got up anyway. So I've taken another mg of ativan, and am making a nice cup of "Nighty-Night" tea to help me relax.

Last night I wrote a list of shouldas, and that has helped. It also helped that [husband] is finally acknowledging that there simply are no engineering jobs out there.

I went to a NAMI meeting tonight in lieu of the concert that supplanted the Tuesday reiki share, and one of the folks there was an engineer - he also said hiring is down. They asked whether I want to work at a drop-in center. They can't possibly afford me. Maybe for a few extra bucks?

To Do List:

• Investigate C++
• Investigate VB6
• Dress wires around windows box.
• Hook up router.
• Check Linux computer
  • Look into latest version
  • manage accounts
  • verify cc is installed
  • verify cpp is installed
  • try f77 - is installed from fall 2000 sememster
• Put together tax info.
  • include alternate energy source auto deduction 2001
  • Include Volunteer work and expenses
    • stingray fees - 2001
    • hosting and NIC fees - 2001 & 2002
    • estimate hours (500/yr is low but reasonable)
    • home office, 1/12 area of whole house and not used for anything else
    • Toshiba e310 - 2002
• Reread the TI-89 manual.
• Read health books.
  • atkins
  • neandertal
  • serotonin
• Decide on one health philosophy.
• design a regimen of supplements.
• Grocery shop.

Thur Mar 20 2003

I can't sleep. Again.

Ok, Strattera side-effects. I was getting hypomanic so I cut back to every other day. It's a capsule so I can't split it.

Now I am hypo and grumpy and can't sleep on the days I take it, and a dish rag on the days I don't. It has pretty much killed the effect of the increasing sunlight.

Other side effects dizziness, night sweats, emotional lability.

I forget whether I told this list that I found a temp job. We were just waiting for the client company to tell him when I'm starting. Well, yesterday the headhunter came back and told me that the company wanted 2 people instead of the 3 they had contracted for, so somebody isn't getting a job. He also said that they specifically asked about my pay scale, which turns out to be $1-$2 above their requested cost.

I've been out of work since July, and the guy told me last week that I *have* the job. It was a huge relief. I didn't go out and buy clothes or supplies yet, but the prospect of doing so was very kewl after 6 months of living on a shoestring.

So now I'm back to square one. I cried for several hours yesterday out of disappointment, anger and frustration.

Since I couldn't sleep I got online and started applying for jobs.

Add to that - my gf is going through some changes and I don't think she is planning a place for me in them. I guess my winter depression - or the fact that I withdraw during it - was too much for her. Or maybe I'm just making an excuse for my lack of... of something. I don't know. We were having a deep convo by email where I reassured her that I would be there for her, and she didn't bother to reply. In RL convo she refused to talk about any of it, keeps telling me she just wants to keep it light. Hell, sometimes I want to just stop trying.

On the brighter side, I got my Master Certificate in Usui Shiki Ryoho, a form of reiki, last Sunday. That means I'm now qualified to teach it - a few extra bucks here and there. I've worked toward this for a long time, and somehow it hardly matters this week.

And of course, *nothing* in my previous journal entry got done.

Thu, 27 Mar 2003

Ok, fuggit. Let's try a different tack.

There are a number of local companies that will train me in the use of their software products in exchange for a certain amount of time being a consultant for them. It may involve travel, it won't pay while I'm training, it won't pay much when I'm working for them. I guess that's indentured servitude, but hell, it would make me more useful in the long run. I have to take a brainbench cert for one of them. Better cram for it first, eh?

Then there's Thomas' regional, if I can find the CD. It has lists of every company in the area. I can pick the likely ones, call and get names of managers, and send in resumes.

On the bright side, the drug interaction between Prozac and Strattera seems to be subsiding. I haven't cried once today.

Thur Apr 03 2003

I can't sleep again. We all know what a bad sign that is.

I went to the job interview yesterday. The job is perfect for me; I'm perfect for the job. But I was hyper and couldn't come up with the right words. I can't imagine how I must have looked. Or I can. I'm not quite sure how "crazy" I look when I feel that way.

I went to sleep trying to visualize working there, but my thoughts kept coming back to the interview. The bad parts of the interview. Not the eclectic knowledge and experience I have accumulated, and how I was able to intelligently discuss bit-slice microprocessors and point out that a logic analyzer with a shallow memory only requires creative triggering. Not that I know what a parallel computer is, and that I actually helped design the processing module for a proposed massively parallel special-purpose FEA computer at a local college in the '80s. Not that I have been soldering surface mount for 10 years and on my last job soldered a smaller geometry than what they're using. None of that. Just my presentation of myself, my distractibility, and my fucking INSANE sense of humor that usually isn't completely appreciated. I swear I didn't feel the impulse until it happened... I told the interviewer I'll work for chocolate. How dumb is that? On the other hand, it will serve to set me apart from the other interviewees. *twitch, twitch*

I called back today to clarify a point and to thank him for interviewing me, and I noticed the phone number ending in 1066. I asked him if he knew his phone number was the year of the Battle of Hastings. Again, I didn't even feel the impulse coming on, the words just fell out of my mouth. He humored me (I think) and said he picked it so that smart people would have a way of remembering the number. Ok, he has to interview a few more people. I'm not out of the running yet. I'll call back in a week if I don't hear from him.

I woke up in the throes of a mild anxiety attack. It didn't take long to calm down, but by that time I had to get up for a bit. The clock said 2:something AM, I thought. I came in here and found it was really only 12:45. Small errors like that will be large problems when I go back to work.

Did you ever wake up screaming then realize that you're already awake?

I keep catching myself saying "no no no" over and over to drown out the fearful soliloquy in my head. My husband yells at me when I do it around him, so even if I didn't *have* to get up for other reasons I would have had to for that reason. When I'm completely settled down I'll go back in.

Another variable: It's been several days and I believe the Strattera was out of my system, so I took one this morning. As before, I woke up after only a short amount of sleep.

I figure that counting the days until I sleep through will enable me to estimate the maximum dosage and correct interval to take the med at. That will be tricky. The increase will be slow and an overdosage might sneak up on me. Daily dosage got me up there in about a week I think, and another week to build to an overdose and recognize it. I'm worried about the recognition part. Maybe I'll throw the bottle away instead of playing with it. On the other hand, I'm told that Strattera is water-soluble and it may be possible to divide a dose by dissolving it and only drinking part of the liquid. Do I really want to go there?

I have been thinking about selling t-shirts from the Bipolar Planet. A former friend tried to sell t-shirts and mugs with his own dogs' pictures on them. I wonder if he made his million... personally I'd want my own pets' pictures on a mug or t-shirt.

I wonder whether to start with DSM-IV codes for popular illnesses? My web page graphics are hopelessly low-res even to expand to mug-size. I question whether anyone would want to admit that they visit a bipolar web site, much less that anyone would wear their diagnosis code.

At any rate, I'll have to reinstall a graphics program because it was impossibly slow in Paint. But I have other things to complete first. Like the AutoCAD2000 tutorial I told myself I'd complete by April 1st. Damn, I let myself down again.

Ok, so here is my task list for tomorrow:

• email reiki requests
• go through file cabinets and toss anything that I forgot was in there
• gather tax info/make appt
• start autocad tutorial

Wed, 09 Apr 2003

Follow up -
I have been offered what I believe is the perfect job for me. It is with a *very* small company where my individuality will be appreciated rather than punished. It will require that I use every technical ability I have, plus that I learn more all the time. And my new boss warned me over the phone that they wear blue jeans there. YES!!!!!! There is a big caveat, and that is that they have imposed a 2-week trial period based on my ability to focus, or lack thereof. I also have ADHD, combined type.

The pay is a tad low, but I can live on it. Perhaps I can negotiate something when it turns out I'm not as spaced out as they think I am. This seems sort of discriminatory. And given that I don't perform well under scrutiny, it's going to be really hard. Am I paranoid, or did one of my references exaggerate? There is a company that for the sum of $65 will try to trick references into dicking me, then refer me to a lawyer. I just want to know who to drop off the resume next time. No legal entanglements, please.

I have been sending reiki to my job performance - walking through my duties and sending reiki. I sent reiki to the boss for clarity, to see my core competence despite my non-engineer behavior and my head full of non-technical information. For the record, I am in the middle of an ugly mixed episode - I've been rapid-cycling for weeks - that greatly interferes with my ability to concentrate above background noise. I have alerted my psychiatrist. I picked up some ear plugs when I went out to buy some inexpensive clothing this afternoon. They will help a lot. I bought a couple of shirts, stuff to do body work on my truck so it will pass inspection, and a couple boxes of slim-fast. I'm ready.

Tasks from a previous entry - I finished the file cabinet. Didn't pull tax info together. Didn't start autocad. I did, however clean the living room, including pulling furniture out from the wall and cleaning behind it. I was hoping to sit and meditate while folding laundry AND Maybe burn another candle when I got home, but my husband has the TV on so loud that there's no sane place in the house. How do I get him to turn it off? The sounds and voices keep startling me, how can I settle down?